So, this is a bit awkward. First time in a while having a blog in which to type out my thoughts for someone else’s perusal. I guess I can start by stating my intentions with this blog. Well, if one wants to get into the mind of an aspiring artist, this would be the perfect place. If suffering pleases you (everyone has their kinks, eh? Eh???) then I will also be posting my after-audition feels. It can be therapeutic, especially when it feels like you don’t want to bother anyone else with your gripes, so what better to do than stretch my fingers and let loose? I’d forgotten how nice it could be just to let my fingers do the walking and my mind do the talking. Things don’t often come out of my mouth the way they sound in my head and that can make for complication. So, I guess I’ll start now. Here goes…
I went to an audition this past Saturday and I had more fun in it than I’ve had in a long time. It’s not being in the moment that kills me, but the hindsight. You have possibly a week to torment yourself while you wait, and wait, and wait to hear back, and when you don’t, you rake your brain trying to figure out what you did wrong… It’s different from any interview I’ve ever had, but I can’t say that I would give that up. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from these auditions, it’s that being shy will get me nowhere. At first, it was that deadening, stomach-drop feeling you get when the teacher calls on you in class and you haven’t heard a word they’ve said cause you were thinking about those hot cheetos you left on your desk at home and how much you would kill to have them, cause school lunches used to suck!—or maybe you were thinking about that person you like talking to that other person you really dislike because they’re a mean slore—!
Sorry, got a bit off track there. What I’m trying to say is, it’s that moment when everyone turns to look at you and you freeze and your skin begins to crawl because you know they’re judging you. Yeah… that’s what it feels like. Well, at least to me. But this time something was different. I got some wonderful advice from a former castmate after choking up at my last audition, about as awkward as a foot-long hot dog in a regular sized bun. She advised me to take deep breaths and be confident in the choices I made with that character, and I went into this one with that in mind. It went a whole lot smoother, thankfully. I’m still learning what it means to put myself out there, to be vulnerable. I’m getting there in increments, but improvement takes time.
So yeah, that’s it for now. I know it wasn’t exactly exciting, but this is only the beginning. Thanks for reading!